Date:	2006-02-04 06:43
Subject:	I'm a person, Damnit; Not a thing.
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

I know I have to pack soon and I'm trying my best to limit myself to what I can and cannot bring. Thing is, comparatively, there isn't much to bring on my move. I think shoes are the only thing I don't need to shop for before leaving, which is good. The less the better. Anyway, my point. I just kind of realized what a shithole my life is. Seriously, an absolute shit hole. The few pieces of clothing I have that are actually presentable are shabby and falling apart. I think its been eight months since I've even gotten a new shirt. Not that I'm really up for caring about getting tons of new stuff, but I think it was four weeks ago that I pulled the underwire out of my favorite bra because it was getting old. I asked to get a new one and... hmm.. still nothing. Despite promises. I think I have five pairs of ear rings to my name, three of which are gaining rust. The chain for my favorite pendant has gone missing. There hasn't been an actual photo of -me- since I was 17 years old. Is this what little my life is worth? I can't even look nice or feel comfortable without getting a severe guilt trip from Dax. I mean, what am I? Strap a collar around my neck and call me Twinkies, for God's sake. I think I should be thankful for my allergies to so many shampoos, soaps and detergeants, perfumes, lotions and body sprays, ect. Simply because its the only reason why I get a new bottle of lotion every year to a year and a half.. its the only reason why I can use my own deodorants, shampoos and soaps.. because I'm too allergic to the crap Dax uses. Do you know I'm using the same perfume Dax got for free and gave to me when I was 17 years old? I think I have less than a teaspoon of it left in the bottle. I save it for special occasions. My body sprays are over two years old, maybe three. I've long since run out of lotion. I got a bottle for christmas from Dax's mother, but I'm allergic to it. My nausea medication, of which there are only two doses left, is older than Geni who is three years old now. I'm careful about using it. When I run out, who is to say I'll ever get a new bottle? I'm going to ask Lasse to download and print out the forms for Visa application as soon as possible; I want to submit the papers the same week (if at all possible) I arrive. I want to start working, where the fuck I have any idea where I could get a job, I have no idea, but I have to try. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm a doormat. Maybe I'm shallow. Maybe there are a billion things wrong with me, but I'm a person.. ..and for once in my life, I want to feel like one.

Date:	2005-12-15 00:46
Subject:	Qbee Blog Day
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	Conan O'Brien - Late Night Show

Its been a long while since I've posted here. Not too much has happened, though. Dax's car was stolen and not found for an entire month. Dec 3, we got a phone call from Mexico, telling us they found our car. Someone was stupid enough to try and drug traffic across the border in a shiny silver 2004 Dodge Durango. Anyway. We haven't gotten it back yet, but we're supposed to get it soon. I've been doing a lot of work on my site, creating some scripts, putting together some other ones. Learning a lot of PHP. Beanie and I.. well. I personally think we're doing quite well. Fourth anniversary went by rockily and I've been grumpy, he's been sick, but, given that he still loves me as much I do him XP.. We're doing fine. I hope to God this a long haul. I'm tired of bouncing through irresponsible half-year relationships. Another 3-year one would be good, but I don't intend for this to end. Little steps at a time, you know? Don't expect too much. I'll work on getting to 6 months first, then a year. Anyway. TODAY.. is the QBee Blog Day. So, I should say something about it because I love the Quilting Bee enough to care about it. Patch or no patch awarded, I'd still blog about the QBee, and I have before. I'm about 5-6 patches or less away from my first 50 trades. When I get to 50, I'll be sure to wash my quilt so I'm sure I've got it. I don't count retired traders. I've added a counter to my quilt in php, but I accidentally broke it, so I've got to fix it soon sometime. I haven't checked the site in a few days, but I REALLY.. really hope they do the secret santa thing this year. I'm not sure if we have enough time for it left, but I can hope. Two weeks ago I met my 1 year anniversary of joining the Quilting Bee Clique and I'm so proud. I think I'll be getting one of my friends to join soon too, but I owe my membership to Terri. After being declined for membership the first time, she gave me hope to try out again and I was accepted. So I'm grateful to her, my first sibling webmistress. <3 I'm currently working on a mall for Eden Enchanted right now. http://aliplushie.com/eden-mall/ Also, I've got contests going on, pixel contests, so come check them out at http://aliplushie.com/ and join in on the action.

Date:	2005-09-09 05:47
Subject:	Politics makes Ali cry...
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Sarah Mclachlan - Take my breath away

Most of my friends know me to be this great hardass who doesn't care about a lot of things, but those few things I do care about matter a lot to me. Let me.. for once in my life.. clear something up about this issue, because it really needs to be said so those whom know me know just a little more by seeing where I really stand. I was raised for a good deal of my life in Mississippi. A lot of friends later moved closer to the coast and most of them had relatives that spread into Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee, Louisianna and into the surrounding states. There are no friends left these days who have the time, patience or care to speak to me anymore, but there's always a place in my heart where they're missed.. where the pains they feel are the pains I feel.. One would think that this situation in the Southeast with Katrina would really hit home, but hardly anyone has heard me mention one thing about this mess. And, until last night and the night before, I hadn't even seen it on the news. Yish was the first one to make me watch something about it. Today, I stumbled upon an amazing pixel artist's livejournal and read a couple of her most recent entries. The second entry.. has successfully made me aware of the hateful and sorry situation that our country is facing right now. How terribly ignorant and cold-hearted of the people who should be caring the very most. Bush should've given a statement times five by now about the crisis and his wife should've been giving those there peace of mind. Her rich countrified ass should be waist-deep in those disgusting waters, searching for survivors, comforting children, providing lodging and a connection link for those families who have been ripped assunder. And here I am crying again. @_@ I cannot lose myself in what I think these people should be doing, but whether I believe so or not, they may not step up and do these things. I never liked Bush. Not once. Something about his father even bothered me. I, without a lot of background on their families and such, can't give a lot of reason why I feel such dislike for them. One reason was the fact that Bush should be attending middle school all over again and learning to give something as simple as a brief presentation. Another should be an extensive history of our country and a brief, summarized one of the geography and history of the world to be related to and forced into his small, sickly prejudiced and countrified brain. But here, today, I read the following post and my heart has been broken. What kind of horrible, vile person has been put in charge of the future of my children? How dare you, Bushes? How dare you? To see the post which has torn my heart in half and broken me into a pleathera of tears, Click Here. I took down the dancing heart bg. Too much animation. ;P

Date:	2005-09-06 04:05
Subject:	depression seeps in..
Security:	Public
Mood:	alone
Music:	Jewel & Sarah McLachlan - Angels Fall

Somehow, this always tends to happen. There is no real reason, I think. It might have something to do this time with me giving myself WAY too many things to do at once. Sad thing is, in order to take a break from doing something, I do something else, which also needs to be finished. Its like some neverending circle of perfectionism where I can't stop until I've done all I can and then I have to move back to perfecting what I was doing before. My father's vague presence, and by vague I mean miniscule, in my life is driving me into a small hole in my subconscious. My dreams reflect it. Then again, there's that sinking feeling that I won't be able to stand up and finish the beginning of the rest of my life without wasting precious time. Maybe that's part of the reason I fell in love with a younger guy? I don't know. I hope tonight the Gods decend into my subconscious and push my spirit into a wall of sense so that, for once, things will be momentarily clear. My manic is acting up again, I know it. I feel not just a flush of lonliness, but I feel as though I'm being singled out in the infinite universe. The thing is, I know I'm very wrong, but somehow.. the feeling just lingers there in my heart, making it tremble like a terrified kitten without its mother.

Date:	2005-09-05 02:24
Subject:	Day after the Special Day
Security:	Public
Mood:	satisfied
Music:	Jackass Theme

Beanie asked me out at around 10 am yesterday. That being Sunday, September 4, '05. >_> I gave him shit for about 30 minutes, then gave in an said yes. Everyone I know was rooting for me to say yes, anyway. I was doomed to fail. Plus, his parents approved. xD It was difficult, but I'm glad I said yes.

Date:	2005-09-03 07:59
Subject:	Friends Only, Sorry Guys
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	Ami Yumi Theme Song

I've decided I want more of my thoughts and works and other things kept to myself. So, I have changed my journal to a private one. If you would like me to add you as friend, then please make a comment and request. ^^; I like having more friends. So anyway. n_n I love my Beaniekins. *heart*

Date:	2005-09-03 07:15
Subject:	This was Great
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	My Oh My - Aqua

Okay. Some people, if those who don't know the situation even read this, will think I have been a total bitch to Alex and I'm being a raving one for letting him ramble and not answering him. Let me clear that Alex likes to make lots of accusations of me and, as of the last month, I've been not answering any of his emails or IMs.. and only replying on my tagboard. I'm seriously considering banning his IP from my website altogether. It would save me a lot of trouble. Anyway. Here's the latest log. I tried to at least make smalltalk, but instead, he created a delusion involving my sanity or, as he put it, lack thereof. Heimdallw32 [6:28 AM]: I have a question. forsaken demise [6:28 AM]: Did I intend to freeze your computer with too many animations? Heimdallw32 [6:28 AM]: Do you have split personality disorder? forsaken demise [6:28 AM]: THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOOOW forsaken demise [6:28 AM]: BWAHAHA. Heimdallw32 [6:28 AM]: XD forsaken demise [6:28 AM]: They may never know that too. Heimdallw32 [6:28 AM]: Yeah. Heimdallw32 [6:29 AM]: It seems like you're two people, each of which is oblivious of the other. forsaken demise [6:29 AM]: o_O forsaken demise [6:29 AM]: You're off your rocker. Heimdallw32 [6:29 AM]: XD Heimdallw32 [6:30 AM]: O_o Heimdallw32 [6:30 AM]: Er... Heimdallw32 [6:30 AM]: how else would you explain it? O_o Heimdallw32 [6:30 AM]: mood swings? forsaken demise [6:30 AM]: Explain what? Heimdallw32 [6:30 AM]: eh. Heimdallw32 [6:31 AM]: forget it. forsaken demise [6:31 AM]: -shrug- Heimdallw32 [6:31 AM]: I hate this, Ali. Heimdallw32 [6:32 AM]: I can't talk with you about this. -_- Heimdallw32 [6:32 AM]: Eh. Heimdallw32 [6:32 AM]: Nevermind. forsaken demise [6:32 AM]: o-o; forsaken demise [6:32 AM]: Kay. Heimdallw32 [6:32 AM]: You just confuse the hell out of me is all. Heimdallw32 [6:33 AM]: Like, right now, you seem like you want to talk to me, and are treating me as a friend, right? But, it feels like any second, any word I say could be a trigger that transforms you into...well, you know. Heimdallw32 [6:34 AM]: So it feels like I'm walking on eggshells around you. Heimdallw32 [6:34 AM]: It's why I don't IM you often. Heimdallw32 [6:36 AM]: I hate feeling like I can't talk to someone who I miss talking with terribly, because she might suddenly change into someone else. Heimdallw32 [6:36 AM]: I don't know why it's like this either. Heimdallw32 [6:36 AM]: Wish it wasn't. Heimdallw32 [6:43 AM]: Well, I have to get off for now. I'll see ya later. Heimdallw32 [6:45 AM]: Take care Ali, be well. Heimdallw32 signed off at 6:45 AM I also created a new, less emo look for my layout. Like it? x3 I'm having fun with it. I like emo, but too much of it will affect my mood. I like the pixel effects I've put here. And the table cellpadding worked out fun, Yish. XD

Omgay. I interupt him so much, don't I? :O aliplushie [11:47 AM]: Alex. aliplushie [11:47 AM]: >_< aliplushie [11:47 AM]: Thats not what I meant. aliplushie [11:48 AM]: if all you wanna do is throw stuff in my face, then don't debate. Try letting people finish their sentences for once instead of interrupting. aliplushie [11:48 AM]: Imma go work on my contest. Heimdallw32 [11:48 AM]: O_o Heimdallw32 [11:48 AM]: How is this a debate when you're just saying "trust me it's true don't argue" Heimdallw32 [11:49 AM]: And I wasn't saying it wasn't true anyway. Heimdallw32 [11:50 AM]: But at any rate, what do you mean by "try letting people finish their sentances for once instead of interruptinig"? Heimdallw32 [11:50 AM]: O_o Heimdallw32 [11:51 AM]: Seeing as how I hardly ever interrupt you, rather, it's usually the other way around with you refusing to let me say anything because you can't stand to take the risk of somehow "losing" or whatever. Heimdallw32 [11:51 AM]: Like just now. Heimdallw32 [11:52 AM]: "I'm done Alex, I said my side but you don't get to have your say in anything because I don't like to hear anything other than "of course you're right Ali I'm wrong" no matter what" Heimdallw32 [11:52 AM]: -_-' Heimdallw32 [11:53 AM]: So anyway, here's what you want, since you'll just ignore me or whatever till you hear it. Heimdallw32 [11:54 AM]: You're right Ali, you're always right, everything you do is without flaw, you're perfect, nothing you say or do is ever wrong. Heimdallw32 [11:54 AM]: Ta-dah! Heimdallw32 signed off at 11:54 AM I typically ignore Alex. Especially when he begins to get on my nerves. This conversation started out as being about my new contest. He complained about the color of a particular armor and I made a joke, saying it was gay. This is typical of me. So, he threw a temper tantrum about why Purple had to be chosen as being a gay color. So, of course, in an effort to calm his sudden conflict with the joke, I started making excuses about Prince and Tinky Winky and a few other things. Alex cut me off a few times, confusing me with what I was saying until i finally got frustrated and said the above and minimized his IM. I can't believe I dated him and Yes-Man'd everything he said and did. Love, in whatever form it comes, is so fuckin' blind. I'm so glad I now have the incentive and gaul to ignore him for days at a time. For as much shit as he gives me, I need it.

Date:	2005-06-26 11:21
Subject:	Forgiveness is in Futility
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeless
Music:	Nothin'

I can't help but wish for things sometimes. This time, I wish to be appreciated. I could have kept this to myself ever longer. I could've buried it and pretended it went away. Instead, I brought it out in the open and forced myself to welcome it for the sake of the fragile state of the one I cared for. And now, when I had warned that I could do nothing, that my admission of love would bring nothing but hurt, Beanie is hurt again. And I feel diminished for it. I want to be worth more than just a .. there really ought to be a word in the English language for a woman who is only worth something if she's in a relationship. It happens often enough. Especially to me. I had a dream last night that Beanie held my hand and told me goodbye. It broke my heart, but I was helpless and unable to do anything in return, because there was no patience, just like all the other times. I feel less than worth the feelings some have for me, but for Beanie, I feel exceptionally humbled, like a king to a pit girl. But here there is no exceptional power to relieve me of the burdens of my responsibilities so that I can act on the insanely deep emotion that I feel, so I must sit and do what is right, love my children more and wish Beanie would simply be happy that I cared in return. But, I cannot. Beanie will not be satisfied and I cannot find a way that would justify acting on how I feel for him. And here, I cannot tell anyone. There is no one to talk to, no one to confide in, no shoulder to cry on. My Goddess, I need you now more than ever. Forgive me for loving what is innocent, but I cannot help my sorry heart.

Date:	2005-06-23 09:56
Subject:	Graduation
Security:	Public
Mood:	impressed
Music:	Prozzak -- Pretty Girls

I never graduated. It was a fleeting thought for me, something I was fighting for until, with a moment of lonliness, it was washed away from my hands like a bar of soap in a current of swiftwater. Now, I'm satisfied with just getting what I can so I can move forward and become successful in whatever way I possibly can.

Nineteen years ago, I was pressing my little ear to the taught belly of my mother as she was strolled down the hostpial hallway to give birth to the brown bundle of joy that was to be my baby sister, Heather. Eighteen years ago, I climbed into a car, trying desperately to comfort the baby I adored more than anything in the carseat while we went to the store, only comforted when she finally drifted to sleep. When we returned, I was the one to give the baby a sympathetic hug when we found that she had dropped her bottle and we had run it over in our departure. That same year I leaned over my baby sister, garbed in white knitted jumpsuiting, and gave her a kiss goodbye as my dad moved away, taking me with him. Sixteen years ago, I shared a doctor's office with Heather, wrapping my hands around the doctor's hand and ripping free the needle in which she was giving us our immunizations from my thigh. Then I moved to Mississippi, and my recollection of my baby sister was nothing more than a nostalgic dream.

Tomorrow I am 22 years old and my baby sister is graduating from high school this afternoon. I'm being invited and I'm absolutely thrilled, filled with enough pride to overflow. Yes, somewhere inside, I feel a tinge of regret. It was yesterday when I was pointed to the room of newly born children, not being able to decifer which was my brand new baby sister. Today, she walks down the isle of Laguna Beach High School, graduating, having already recieved scholarships. My baby sister is a baby no longer. She is grown up and has already proven that her opinion and lifestyle is ready to be considered adult, feminine and mature. She is her own and I'm so very proud of her.

July 2nd, I take my final exam for my GED. I, also, will be done.

Date:	2005-06-22 23:00
Subject:	Paranoia rocks
Security:	Public
Mood:	loving
Music:	Boom Boom Boom Boom - Venga Boys

I spent like 30 minutes giving Beanie the rundown over what his parents know about me. If I were his parents, I'd hang him and then hire a hitman for the 22 year old he was talkin' to. So, naturally, I have a bit of a concern here. Even if I didn't have the complicated relation I have with him, its still a little of a discomfort. Being killed isn't my idea of fun, contrary to what some might think. Not to mention, I don't really want Beanie strung up.

Anyway. I have to be satisfied with what they know and trust Beanie when he says, "They won't care. Trust me." Course, it didn't comfort me when I asked if they knew I was bi and he told me, "Honestly, if they knew you were bi, they'd probably be more comfortable with you."

Ali> "-cough- ><; ... = _ =;"

Date:	2005-06-22 11:43
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	feverish
Music:	Pretty Girls -- Prozzak

I believe this is called food poisoning. Chicken I ate yesterday made me come down with a fever today, not to mention, I didn't sleep well or for very long.

I got to work this morning and stayed outside for about ten minutes, smoking a couple of cigs and listening to my CD player. I pretty much left Pretty Girls -- Prozzak on repeat. Skip was out there takin' his break. He's coming to my birthday party at the beach. He came over and listened to my music for a second, then he gave me a hug.

It was probably one of the nicest thing someone I barely know has ever done for me. I think I honestly needed it and I'm glad I'm comfortable with Skip enough to let him do such a thing too. It made me feel a lot better. Although, I still felt pretty bad. When I got inside, I realized I was feeling groggy, like I was too warm and put a Mountain Dew to my forhead a few times. Buut, my face just kept heating up again. That would be when I realized I have a fever.

I'm still burning up a bit, but mom is using the bed and Donald is watching tv.. the kids are sleeping. I don't really have anywhere to lie down and relax.

Most of the day, I spent hoping that Beanie's parents really don't have a problem with me. I wonder exactly how much they know about me, even. Perhaps they knew I meant too well to begin with, so had no issue. What if they found out how I felt? Would they flip? Age might not be an issue for them, but I'm a single mother of two children. Out of state, even.

What bothers me more is what my family would think. Gypsy asked me if I was confusing my motherly concern and love for Beanie for something more.. but.. I have children. I wouldn't think of them the same way I would think of Beanie. I think of holding my children, hugging them and planting millions and billions of kisses all over their precious faces. I think of being held by Beanie. It is not the same and I am torn for it.

Love is a deceptively horrible thing in my life.

I wish he was here to keep my hair out of my face and my headphones on my ears while I dozed. A knee to rest my head on, really. Anyway. My head is kind of spinning.